if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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