I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Four minutes until I can fart!
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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