Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
