I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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