I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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