I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.