I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
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I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs