Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine