At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
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And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit