Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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