It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
