My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
