When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass