im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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