I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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