I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
