I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
