The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
