I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
