My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
