i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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