I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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