This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
