At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
