You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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