I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
