omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
