Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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