this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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