She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
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Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
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He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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