Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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