First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
