after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
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Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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