maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
