Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
