I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone threw a dead crab at me
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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