My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
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I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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