Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Randomize
