im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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