But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
