I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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