what if every blade of grass was a penis?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
