my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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