I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize