i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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