OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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