If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
