Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
