When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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