I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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