So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
