It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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