Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
