did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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