Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
