i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
