So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
