got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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