WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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