I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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