when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
