her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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