Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
