dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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