I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If that was your dad, he is hot
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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